Hollywood is certainly not catching what I've been pitching. Here are my top 3 rejected TV shows for the new season:
The Pope Po
Sick of Italy's rising crime rate, a Senior Clergyman at the Vatican gets a second job as an undercover narcotics officer. Days of hymn singing and prayer darken into nights scouring Rome's seedy underbelly. No bad guy is safe with this nightstick wielding, Bible thumping, crime fighter. The Pope Po is a one stop shop for drugs, head bashing, and confession. Guaranteed to keep you on the edge of your seat just as if you were attending a mass in person.
Buddha (Buddha) Rockin' Everywhere
This rags to riches series tells the uplifting story of a Buddhist monk reborn into a hip hop artist outside of his monastary. A tsunami forces this monk to America, where he gains weight dining on western food, and wins a free-stye battle on 106 & Park. He soon has a #1 album entitled Karma - Cause and Effect, which includes 8 noble tracks and teaches street thugs everywhere the way of balance, peace, and harmony.
The Gooks of Hazzard
Sook and Ho are former Yakuza gang members that were put into the Witness Protection program and forced to move into rural West Virginia. Their misadventures include irking local law enforcement and driving a souped up orange Honda Civic Si complete with a confederate flag painted on the roof. The car is aptly named the General "Lee" (or maybe the General Tso).
***Disclaimer: I do realize that the derogative term gook is mostly used for the Vietnamese, that the Yakuza is Japanese and that General Tso was Chinese, but hey who are we kidding? Joe Plumber won't know the difference.
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So if you would like be cast in, or finance any of these projects please contact me ASAP. I do accept paypal, most canadian coins, and IOU's. Please, no Farmville gifts.
Thanks.
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Monday, September 7, 2009
Nevermind trying to figure out the space time continuum, the meaning of life, or even how a douche like Jon Gosselin continues to get play from 20 year olds. If I truly want to be baffled beyond recognition, all I have to do is step inside the men's restroom at work. And unfortunately, due to having a small baldder, I must do so several times a day. In addition to being immediately punched in the face by the stench when I open the door, I am further pummeled by trying to understand the following oddities:
a) Why do both the urinals, and the toilets, have pube beards? Pubic hairs of all shapes, sizes, colors and textures unite to form the ultimate ceramic melting pot. I am left wondering why so many had to fall in the name of diversity. Normally when I undo my zipper, or pull down my pants (if I am unlucky enough to have to do a #2 in the workplace), my pubes do not spill out like I have anorexia. Nor do I spend my time plucking them out one by one while I handle my business. But who knows, maybe I'm a minority minority. Meaning that I'm an asian who's pubes normally remain firmly planted in my skin.
b) Why does the restroom smell like hell warmed over --- PRE 9 A.M.??!!! If you need to go that early, you need to handle that ridiculousness before you leave the house. I do understand that the courtesy flush was not named the common sense flush as it should have been, due to it truly not being common. I should also note that the bathroom is cleaned several times per day. I do expect that each time I go in there I'll have to wrestle with the dilemna of holding my breath and potentially passing out, or breathing, and potentially throwing up. What I don't expect, is that I should have to deal with this quandary until at least 10 to 11 a.m., preferrably even post noon, after lunch.
c) In regards to the first two points, how could ANYONE brush his teeth in that pube infested cesspool ripe with the stink of all things unholy. Washing my hands is scary enough, let alone opening my mouth and brushing my teeth. Yes, your teeth may be clean, but your clothes no longer are. I'd rather risk getting a cavity than being in that poop air for any longer than needed.
d) What happened to urinal etiquette? It's this simple, if there are three urinals, and all are empty, don't take the middle one. The middle urinal should never be the first pick of any draft. It should be left solely for the poor sap who comes in last and is forced to thread the needle.
Yes, the men's room is public, but we don't work at the county fair, folks. Is it too much to ask for us to go potty like we work for a Fortune 500 company? I'm just glad I'm not married to any of you sick bastards.
a) Why do both the urinals, and the toilets, have pube beards? Pubic hairs of all shapes, sizes, colors and textures unite to form the ultimate ceramic melting pot. I am left wondering why so many had to fall in the name of diversity. Normally when I undo my zipper, or pull down my pants (if I am unlucky enough to have to do a #2 in the workplace), my pubes do not spill out like I have anorexia. Nor do I spend my time plucking them out one by one while I handle my business. But who knows, maybe I'm a minority minority. Meaning that I'm an asian who's pubes normally remain firmly planted in my skin.
b) Why does the restroom smell like hell warmed over --- PRE 9 A.M.??!!! If you need to go that early, you need to handle that ridiculousness before you leave the house. I do understand that the courtesy flush was not named the common sense flush as it should have been, due to it truly not being common. I should also note that the bathroom is cleaned several times per day. I do expect that each time I go in there I'll have to wrestle with the dilemna of holding my breath and potentially passing out, or breathing, and potentially throwing up. What I don't expect, is that I should have to deal with this quandary until at least 10 to 11 a.m., preferrably even post noon, after lunch.
c) In regards to the first two points, how could ANYONE brush his teeth in that pube infested cesspool ripe with the stink of all things unholy. Washing my hands is scary enough, let alone opening my mouth and brushing my teeth. Yes, your teeth may be clean, but your clothes no longer are. I'd rather risk getting a cavity than being in that poop air for any longer than needed.
d) What happened to urinal etiquette? It's this simple, if there are three urinals, and all are empty, don't take the middle one. The middle urinal should never be the first pick of any draft. It should be left solely for the poor sap who comes in last and is forced to thread the needle.
Yes, the men's room is public, but we don't work at the county fair, folks. Is it too much to ask for us to go potty like we work for a Fortune 500 company? I'm just glad I'm not married to any of you sick bastards.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Haircuts That Deserve a Punch in the Face
Part He-Man, part "I couldn't afford a haircut," and all DOUCHE. I think somebody needs to open the curtains and look me in the eye. You're a grown man, not the kid from Gimme a Break. Get a haircut.
The Blowout. This gem is normally accompanied by huge aviator glasses, a white suit, and a job in the food service industry. This classy cut looks like Dragon Ball Z got a perm.
Hey Edward Scissorhands, life isn't all that bad. It probably takes more effort to gel up 1/3 of this doo every morning than it does to be pissed off about life. Go ahead and cry Emo Kid, you got the same haircut as Kate Gosselin.
Top 3 Things That Pissed Me Off Today About Ghetto People
1. Don't bring your bad ass kids to the gym. Lady, I know you're pushing about a deuce (deuce and a half) but doing 3 arm curls with 1 lb. weights while your 2 kids are playing soccer with the pilates ball isn't going to get you down to that size 24 you envy. Yes, I realize that if you just got your waist a tiny bit smaller than your hips, you could have that ba-donk-a-donk butt that attracts all the world class gentlemen you crave.
2. If your car is idling, it is NOT necessary to open up all the doors, the trunk, and potentially the hood and blast music that only a criminal would like. It's a red light, not Hot Import Nights. I'm not sure when the last time the Hess station, the Taco Bell, or even my apartment parking lot hosted a car show. So quit treating it like one.
3. Can you laugh normally? Just every once in awhile. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for a boisterous laugh from time to time, but do you really have to violently shake like you're having an epileptic seizure? Are you a pop corn kernel that just popped and is stuck in the bag? Settle it down. Besides, I don't think it's natural for a laugh to sound like static electricity.
That is all.
2. If your car is idling, it is NOT necessary to open up all the doors, the trunk, and potentially the hood and blast music that only a criminal would like. It's a red light, not Hot Import Nights. I'm not sure when the last time the Hess station, the Taco Bell, or even my apartment parking lot hosted a car show. So quit treating it like one.
3. Can you laugh normally? Just every once in awhile. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for a boisterous laugh from time to time, but do you really have to violently shake like you're having an epileptic seizure? Are you a pop corn kernel that just popped and is stuck in the bag? Settle it down. Besides, I don't think it's natural for a laugh to sound like static electricity.
That is all.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Office Buzzword Douche Bag
Does your office smell like a douche?
If you are part of corporate America, I can really only tell you this: Work hard, be the best you can be, and don't ever compromise your integrity to get ahead.
Additionally, don't be an Office Buzzword Douchebag. Yeah, you know the guy (or gal) that likes to use unnecessarily long or annoying words and is routinely heard dropping random cliched phrases that make me want to throw up in my mouth.
Example 1: "We don't have the bandwidth, so in order to facilitate the current action plan, we should table this for later, circle back, and talk offline. Let's be proactive and reach out to our partners so we can ramp up this pilot in the appropriate time frame to add value on a go-forward basis with the appropriate drivers."
Translation: "I'm a douche."
Example 2: "No need to reinvent the wheel, we are behind the eight ball, so let's call a spade a spade, deep dive, and get our ducks in a row to touch base with the gameplan by end of business today to be on the same page."
Translation: "I'm a huge douche."
The only entertainment I can derive from these douchebags, and it is mild at best, is to sit in a meeting for an hour with more than one of them. I like to think of it as a bunch of tools douching it out. Except the irony is that the winner is actually the biggest loser.
We are all adults here. Put on your big boy pants, read a book, and learn to say what you really mean.
You don't want your breath smelling like douche do you?
If you are part of corporate America, I can really only tell you this: Work hard, be the best you can be, and don't ever compromise your integrity to get ahead.
Additionally, don't be an Office Buzzword Douchebag. Yeah, you know the guy (or gal) that likes to use unnecessarily long or annoying words and is routinely heard dropping random cliched phrases that make me want to throw up in my mouth.
Example 1: "We don't have the bandwidth, so in order to facilitate the current action plan, we should table this for later, circle back, and talk offline. Let's be proactive and reach out to our partners so we can ramp up this pilot in the appropriate time frame to add value on a go-forward basis with the appropriate drivers."
Translation: "I'm a douche."
Example 2: "No need to reinvent the wheel, we are behind the eight ball, so let's call a spade a spade, deep dive, and get our ducks in a row to touch base with the gameplan by end of business today to be on the same page."
Translation: "I'm a huge douche."
The only entertainment I can derive from these douchebags, and it is mild at best, is to sit in a meeting for an hour with more than one of them. I like to think of it as a bunch of tools douching it out. Except the irony is that the winner is actually the biggest loser.
We are all adults here. Put on your big boy pants, read a book, and learn to say what you really mean.
You don't want your breath smelling like douche do you?
Florida Power Bull
Congrats Floridians on finding yet another way for poor people with no money to waste money they don't have on an impossible effort to get rich.
What's the only thing worse than being a loser?
Paying money to be a loser, of course.
Did you know the odds of hitting a Powerball jackpot are 195 million to one? Let me re-write this using numbers: The odds of hitting a Powerball jackpot are 195,000,000 to 1. Now that's a lot of 0's, and i'm not talking about the people who waste money every day on this pipe dream.
To put things into perspective, check out the following odds:
Odds of being an astronaut 13,200,000 to 1
Odds of drowning in a bathtub 685,000 to 1
Odds of dating a supermodel 88,000 to 1
Odds of getting hemorrhoids 25 to 1
The moral of the story is, quit wasting money on the lottery and go work for Nasa because you have a better chance of becoming an astronaut and dating a supermodel with hemorrhoids that will drown in a bathtub, than winning the Powerball.
This goes for the scratch off games, too. Is it really worth winning $5 playing Jingle Bucks when you drop $60 trying? Having a retarded kid invest your money on the stock market would probably yield a similar return on investment. And it would be more fun to play.
Additionally, nothing cheeses me off more than standing in line at the gas station to pay for some gum, and having to wait 20 minutes behind some dirty, barefoot, jerk off who thinks the counter is his own personal scratch off buffet. I cringe every time I hear the same dialogue, “Yeah let me get a Cash Cow, and let me get three Match 3's, and let me get umm... two Green Machines, and...one of them Easy Money's...“ I just want to say, “Hey jag off, why don't you put your recently cashed paycheck back in its bank envelope and go buy some milk, or a toy for your kid because this is a convenience store, and you're inconveniencing me by forcing me to not only wait but watch you waste your hard earned money while simultaneously murdering the english language.”
There should totally be a separate line for all scratch off and lottery ticket buyers. It could be called the dumbass line and lead into the bathroom and instead of going through the formality of exchanging funds at a cash register, you just throw your money in the toilet, flush it, receive a piece of toilet paper to look at, and then go, “oh maybe next time” and then throw it in the trash. Or a recycling bin, for those that are green.
Look, I'm not saying that it's impossible to win the lottery, I'm just saying that it won't be you.
What's the only thing worse than being a loser?
Paying money to be a loser, of course.
Did you know the odds of hitting a Powerball jackpot are 195 million to one? Let me re-write this using numbers: The odds of hitting a Powerball jackpot are 195,000,000 to 1. Now that's a lot of 0's, and i'm not talking about the people who waste money every day on this pipe dream.
To put things into perspective, check out the following odds:
Odds of being an astronaut 13,200,000 to 1
Odds of drowning in a bathtub 685,000 to 1
Odds of dating a supermodel 88,000 to 1
Odds of getting hemorrhoids 25 to 1
The moral of the story is, quit wasting money on the lottery and go work for Nasa because you have a better chance of becoming an astronaut and dating a supermodel with hemorrhoids that will drown in a bathtub, than winning the Powerball.
This goes for the scratch off games, too. Is it really worth winning $5 playing Jingle Bucks when you drop $60 trying? Having a retarded kid invest your money on the stock market would probably yield a similar return on investment. And it would be more fun to play.
Additionally, nothing cheeses me off more than standing in line at the gas station to pay for some gum, and having to wait 20 minutes behind some dirty, barefoot, jerk off who thinks the counter is his own personal scratch off buffet. I cringe every time I hear the same dialogue, “Yeah let me get a Cash Cow, and let me get three Match 3's, and let me get umm... two Green Machines, and...one of them Easy Money's...“ I just want to say, “Hey jag off, why don't you put your recently cashed paycheck back in its bank envelope and go buy some milk, or a toy for your kid because this is a convenience store, and you're inconveniencing me by forcing me to not only wait but watch you waste your hard earned money while simultaneously murdering the english language.”
There should totally be a separate line for all scratch off and lottery ticket buyers. It could be called the dumbass line and lead into the bathroom and instead of going through the formality of exchanging funds at a cash register, you just throw your money in the toilet, flush it, receive a piece of toilet paper to look at, and then go, “oh maybe next time” and then throw it in the trash. Or a recycling bin, for those that are green.
Look, I'm not saying that it's impossible to win the lottery, I'm just saying that it won't be you.
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