Nevermind trying to figure out the space time continuum, the meaning of life, or even how a douche like Jon Gosselin continues to get play from 20 year olds. If I truly want to be baffled beyond recognition, all I have to do is step inside the men's restroom at work. And unfortunately, due to having a small baldder, I must do so several times a day. In addition to being immediately punched in the face by the stench when I open the door, I am further pummeled by trying to understand the following oddities:

a) Why do both the urinals, and the toilets, have pube beards? Pubic hairs of all shapes, sizes, colors and textures unite to form the ultimate ceramic melting pot. I am left wondering why so many had to fall in the name of diversity. Normally when I undo my zipper, or pull down my pants (if I am unlucky enough to have to do a #2 in the workplace), my pubes do not spill out like I have anorexia. Nor do I spend my time plucking them out one by one while I handle my business. But who knows, maybe I'm a minority minority. Meaning that I'm an asian who's pubes normally remain firmly planted in my skin.

b) Why does the restroom smell like hell warmed over --- PRE 9 A.M.??!!! If you need to go that early, you need to handle that ridiculousness before you leave the house. I do understand that the courtesy flush was not named the common sense flush as it should have been, due to it truly not being common. I should also note that the bathroom is cleaned several times per day. I do expect that each time I go in there I'll have to wrestle with the dilemna of holding my breath and potentially passing out, or breathing, and potentially throwing up. What I don't expect, is that I should have to deal with this quandary until at least 10 to 11 a.m., preferrably even post noon, after lunch.

c) In regards to the first two points, how could ANYONE brush his teeth in that pube infested cesspool ripe with the stink of all things unholy. Washing my hands is scary enough, let alone opening my mouth and brushing my teeth. Yes, your teeth may be clean, but your clothes no longer are. I'd rather risk getting a cavity than being in that poop air for any longer than needed.

d) What happened to urinal etiquette? It's this simple, if there are three urinals, and all are empty, don't take the middle one. The middle urinal should never be the first pick of any draft. It should be left solely for the poor sap who comes in last and is forced to thread the needle.

Yes, the men's room is public, but we don't work at the county fair, folks. Is it too much to ask for us to go potty like we work for a Fortune 500 company? I'm just glad I'm not married to any of you sick bastards.