Florida Power Bull

Congrats Floridians on finding yet another way for poor people with no money to waste money they don't have on an impossible effort to get rich.

What's the only thing worse than being a loser?

Paying money to be a loser, of course.

Did you know the odds of hitting a Powerball jackpot are 195 million to one? Let me re-write this using numbers: The odds of hitting a Powerball jackpot are 195,000,000 to 1. Now that's a lot of 0's, and i'm not talking about the people who waste money every day on this pipe dream.

To put things into perspective, check out the following odds:

Odds of being an astronaut 13,200,000 to 1
Odds of drowning in a bathtub 685,000 to 1
Odds of dating a supermodel 88,000 to 1
Odds of getting hemorrhoids 25 to 1

The moral of the story is, quit wasting money on the lottery and go work for Nasa because you have a better chance of becoming an astronaut and dating a supermodel with hemorrhoids that will drown in a bathtub, than winning the Powerball.

This goes for the scratch off games, too. Is it really worth winning $5 playing Jingle Bucks when you drop $60 trying? Having a retarded kid invest your money on the stock market would probably yield a similar return on investment. And it would be more fun to play.

Additionally, nothing cheeses me off more than standing in line at the gas station to pay for some gum, and having to wait 20 minutes behind some dirty, barefoot, jerk off who thinks the counter is his own personal scratch off buffet. I cringe every time I hear the same dialogue, “Yeah let me get a Cash Cow, and let me get three Match 3's, and let me get umm... two Green Machines, and...one of them Easy Money's...“ I just want to say, “Hey jag off, why don't you put your recently cashed paycheck back in its bank envelope and go buy some milk, or a toy for your kid because this is a convenience store, and you're inconveniencing me by forcing me to not only wait but watch you waste your hard earned money while simultaneously murdering the english language.”

There should totally be a separate line for all scratch off and lottery ticket buyers. It could be called the dumbass line and lead into the bathroom and instead of going through the formality of exchanging funds at a cash register, you just throw your money in the toilet, flush it, receive a piece of toilet paper to look at, and then go, “oh maybe next time” and then throw it in the trash. Or a recycling bin, for those that are green.

Look, I'm not saying that it's impossible to win the lottery, I'm just saying that it won't be you.